


Gone Away

by the_lie_eternal



Series: The Great Art Of Living [3]
Category: Poets of the Fall
Genre: Coping, Death, Depressing, Healing, M/M, Sad, Songfic, gone away, struggles of a band
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-13
Updated: 2018-10-13
Packaged: 2019-08-01 12:18:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16284482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_lie_eternal/pseuds/the_lie_eternal
Summary: I can't deal, it's so unfair.





	Gone Away

**Author's Note:**

> Songfic to the amazing "Gone Away" by Five Finger Death Punch  
> Make sure to listen to the song before or during the read, it's supporting the mood.

_Maybe in another life_

_I could find you there_

_Pulled away before your time_

_I can't deal, it's so unfair_

 

I had lived in my new flat for quite a while at that point and it still felt foreign to me, every single time I walked through the front door. I had to do it, the old flat haunted me with nightmares and memories which weren’t possible to cope with anymore. It had been the guys’ idea, actually, they even helped me searching, choosing and moving. What would I be without them and their great help and support for the past few years.

With a sigh I let my bag slide off my shoulder, leaving it forgotten in the hallway. Yawning I stepped into the living room, passing the frame standing on my sideboard. I smiled, seeing his gorgeous face laughing at me. His death laid 3 years back already, by now I coped with it, the memories made me smile, thinking of him made me happy, reminding me to the happiest times of my life.

It took a while for me to return back to a normal life, so surreal and lonely … why did it have to be me, my partner.

 

_And it feels_

_And it feels like_

_Heaven's so far away_

 

The few tears running down my cheeks warmed up my face in the cold autumn-air. I probably only imagined it by myself but I felt a presence next to me … someone wrapping their arms around me. I smiled and wiped the wet stains off my face.

“Oh Jaakko, do you still remember our first meeting, that awkward handshake, twenty years ago. I couldn’t even speak a single word to you, now I don’t know if I was simply too shy or already had a crush on you. I miss you, I will always miss you. I should greet you from the others too, they miss you too. Olli keeps saying that jamming with Marko isn’t as funny as it had been with you. I hope that you’re at a better place now, rocking with your idols, watching us. I know you are there, at every concert. I know it, I can feel it. I love you, I still do.”

 

_And it feels_

_Yeah, it feels like_

_The world has grown cold_

_Now that you've gone away_

 

The fans hated it and hated us. Seeing someone like Marko cry, that was one of the rarest things I encountered in my life. It broke my heart as all of us were reading the reviews together, silently, one worse than the other, until our vocalist broke out in tears and started to question his life. It was heartbreaking, he was not the only one of us to cry that day.

We tried. One year break from touring, mourning Jaska’s death, then we began working on a new album, releasing it the 3rd year after my partner’s passing. It was difficult and most of all different, having one brain and guitar less. That had to be the most exhausting album production we ever had, thinking that the outcome turned out better than expected. We were so wrong.

Honest reviews and comments showing our mistakes, understanding messages by fans, people being in love with the album – seeing this was extremely rare. The shitstorm took over everything, we expected nobody showing up on tour, we kept the playing of new songs at the lowest at concerts. Everyone of us started hating the album, regretting what we did. It doesn’t take much to make a whole band lose their motivation to continue. What if the next one would be shit too?

Olli, our sunshine, he was the one to call all of us back together, trying to explain that every band once makes a regrettable step, we may had done several but try building a new album with one of your members missing. We continued, there was no reason to stop making music, it was main passion of all of us. So Markus created a new folder on his computer – “New Album”

 

_Leaving flowers on your grave_

_Show that I still care_

_Black roses and Hail Mary's_

_I can't bring back what's taken from me_

 

It became quiet around the band as the tour for our so-called worst album “Ambition” was over. Fans showed up at our concerts still but they weren’t happy about the two to three new songs we had in the setlist. We tried our best, way too often I was thankful about the fact I worked in the shadows, that nobody could see how I was crying my eyes out during concerts.

Our fans calmed down, sooner or later, accepted our mistake and opened their minds for another try. I used the silence to visit Jaska. His brother took well care of his grave during my absence, I placed my poorly picked flowers onto the grave and sighed. That’s where I felt an arm wrapping around my shoulder, expecting a ghost at first – it turned out to be only Jani.

“Hey, how is it going?” the bassist asked gently, I turned my head to look at him. Seeing his subtle smile made me do the same. I loved my bandmates, they were maybe the strongest hold I had.

“It’s fine, I guess. Using the silence after the mess for paying my respects.” I muttered and sighed, still the smile on my face. “Do you still miss him?” I added, almost silently.

“Every day, for all of these 3 years.” Jani’s smile abruptly faded and he let his arm slide off my shoulders. A sob left his throat and I couldn’t judge him for that. Gently I wrapped my arms around him, hummed that everything was going to be fine and held him close as he cried out his eyes into my shoulder.

 

_I reach to the sky_

_And call out your name_

_Oh please let me trade_

_I would_

 

It was a pain, tiring pain. After endless discussions about our new approach on our music we decided on hiring a new second guitarist. All of us were aware of the fact that nobody could ever replace Jaska but a 6th brain was needed, a brain with guitar talent being on the same wave length as us. We watched countless performances, asked every motivated guitarist in whole Finland to play for us, we met so many different people and nobody seemed to fit. There was no way for this to work, we already began to plan on how to continue with only the five of us.

Until it knocked at our studio’s door one day.

“Hi, my name’s Aleksi! I heard you are searching for a guitarist?”

 

_And it feels_

_And it feels like_

_Heaven is so far away_

 

As always – regarding changes – our fans were critically about Aleksi. The unusual looking blondie with brown eyes had been our final choice, right after he stumbled into our office. He was talented, he had an ear and mind for our music and most of all he knew what weight he had to face, replacing a member who was loved by everyone. He also happened to be in my age range, finally I wasn’t the only youngest member anymore.

We played some summer shows, enough for Aleksi to get the hang of it and get used to us and our fans.

“And, how is it going?” I approached the guitarist one evening, the concert already laying several hours behind. It had been one of the last ones, just before we went back into studio again.

“General situation? Well, I guess the people seem to accept me which is already enough for the beginning. I still have to grow into the giant footsteps your lover left for me but we will arrive there, eventually. Thank you, Jari, for your trust.” he nodded and gently patted my shoulder.

“You’re doing amazing, I expected way less – not that I underestimated you but, in my state, there would’ve never been somebody replacing him. Yet you do, well enough. I should thank you, for accepting all this stress and struggle right from the beginning.” I couldn’t help to awkwardly smile at Aleksi, he began chuckling and pulled me into a hug. He was the replace the band needed – at least after my opinion.

 

_I reach to the sky_

_And call out your name_

_Oh please let me trade_

_I would_

 

It had been a good decision, our newest album became what some people might’ve called an epic comeback. Aleksi found his difficult way into our and the fans’ hearts, doing his job better than no other.

I never forgot Jaska, the always watching angel standing by my side. I missed him so much, every beat on my drums rang for him, every song I played was dedicated to him.

Oh Jaakko, one day we would meet again.


End file.
